((And while I'm on a roll with song posts, here's one for Meg and Ty: The White Stripes' "Little Ghost".))

((Started in dariahnwheeler's journal...))

Meg,

Your friend Caeryn is a Deathstalker, right? Rosse is a pretty big deal with them, so he's probably, on some level, her boss. I've heard Meridith cursing his name more than once, especially a few months ago. I don't think he's someone you want noticing you. Maybe that's enough information for you right there, but if you guys need to talk to him, you should probably just pass it on to me and let me deal with it. Hanging around the Deathweavers all the time has some benefits, y'know.

-Dare

Notes For Me When I'm Sober Again:

Don't jump off Thunder Bluff again!

Apologize to Ty

Ask Dare how to make frosty mugs for cold beer

Remember thing about Caeryn for Bloodaxe! I guess.

So everything's mostly been wine and roses lately. With Ty's sister moved to Dalaran we've pretty much had the run of the place, and things have gotten a little less awkward. I've still got my apartment, I haven't gone so far as to move my cat to his place, but so many people have been shipped up to Northrend that the whole city is a lot quieter. Not that we haven't been working up there ourselves. I've been talking to the Argent Crusade about getting us moved up to their frontlines, and I'm hoping it will happen soon. Not that I can imagine facing Tirion Fordring himself without turning to a puddle of jelly, but I'll try not to be too intimidated. My brother continues to be...Dariahn. I still worry about him, but every time I see him I'm just so impressed with his ability to fend for himself. I don't want to think about how he learned to be like that. I don't want to think about the source of this horrible power that lets him run around Icecrown and come back mostly unscathed, or the voices he hears, or how he hardly remembers me. I'm just happy to have him in my life - ha ha life - again.

What's actually prompted me to bother writing here again is things that aren't so wine and roses. Dariahn wrote to me earlier in the week to let me know something happened to Meridith. She's been doing some kind of study of some crazy stuff that's going on up in Northrend and one night she just freaked out. Lucinius - who I didn't even know had joined Curse - tranquilized her, and they took her back to the inn. That elf zombie abomination thing Dariahn seems to be friends with is keeping an eye on her, apparently. I snuck into Brill to see if I could find out more, but there wasn't much else to find out. She's been out like a light. Dare said she still was last night.

You always hear people talk about how much they regret it when they parted with someone on bad terms and something terrible happens to them. The last time I spoke to Meridith was when she came to find me at the Kodo, before she left for Storm Peaks. She was trying to make amends for what happened to Orloc, and now I realize it was for this very reason: So we wouldn't be on bad terms if something happened to her. I know she meant well. I know she saw him as more than just an experiment, no matter what I shouted at her afterward. And I know she wasn't part of the group of Apothecaries who joined Varimathras. So many terrible things happend that night, and I know they weren't her fault, but I tried to pin it on her anyway. After all she's done for me I accused her of being just another heartless Forsaken monster. It was all my own raging stupid selfish fault that we even fought about any of it. She lost even more than I did.

I didn't really properly forgive her that night when she gave me his sword. It wasn't until later, when I was sitting in my apartment staring at it and sobering up and really understanding what it meant that she gave it to me that I really forgave her. And now I pray that she recovers, properly recovers, so I can tell her.

Ty gave me a ring for Winter's Veil. It's not quite finished, it's missing the stone because I popped his present on him before he could finish mine and he wasn't planning to give it to me until Winter's Veil proper, but he felt bad not having anything to give. So when we see each other tomorrow he'll finish it. I know it's completely unreasonable for the thought to have ever crossed my mind that it might be that kind of ring, and it's a beautiful present and it's not at all fair for me to long deep down to be normal when I put it on my right hand. And I need to stop trying it on my left when no one's looking.

I figure it's probably time to let myself sober up a little bit after spending the last few days drinking heavily. Too much happened that night, from the screaming of the Horde soldiers to the dirty looks to the horrible thing that happened with Orloc and Locke and Eldanis in the Apothecarium. I should tell Ty that Locke is loose, but I guess I'm just praying that I'll be too insignificant for his attention now. He's gone back to his Scourge masters and they'll likely just throw him at something that's actually strategically important. I don't know that the Scourge lets you have personal vendettas. Not that I ever hurt him, not that I ever did anything but enable

Fuck this. I'm making more cider.

I'm finally getting settled in here in Dalaran. I'm still keeping the place in Silvermoon for the time being, but I've brought all my most important stuff (like my cat and the freaky whelp) up here and gotten a regular room at the Filthy Animal. The Filthy Animal is actually pretty nice, like it was done up by a rich noble who decided to go rustic. The building is fancy like the rest of the city, but it's all big animal rugs everywhere and hammocks in the rooms. It's like being a proper part of the Horde without the fleas. Ty, of course, bless his elfy heart, wants nothing to do with the place. I can't really argue with the better privacy of his room at the Legerdemain, though.

It's also very close to Agmar's Hammer, so we've been able to stay on top of our orders. We're reporting to the Angrathar camp regularly too, just to check on the situation, and right now it sounds like we'll be making our big push within the week. It's reassuring to see that the Alliance and the Horde can come together on something like this. I'm really feeling hopeful.

I'm almost done with Dariahn's cobalt armor. I know he really wants to help out up here, I'm just nervous. Ty thinks I'm being unreasonable, but I don't want to lose him again. Though I hear that Sara's been spending time with the Tuskarr, so I guess if he stayed in safer places like that and away from the Scourge he'd be okay. I'm sure "The Executioner" wants to throw him right in the middle of everything as soon as possible. Dariahn said Meridith is looking out for him, I should probably write to her about that. At least a thank you. What he does still bothers me on a deep, deep level, but I think I'm getting used to it.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about the little zombie whelp.

Last night a Forsaken man came by the Kodo who apparently everybody knew before I started there. I don't know if he was part of the Zephyr Crew or just a regular. His name was Victor Steiner, and he had been reported lost in battle some time ago. He's a death knight now. Sara didn't seem to mind, she was just thrilled that he was back. Grub was visibly upset; he had JUST been off on one of his tirades about how he didn't trust them. And I get the feeling he and Caeryn never did get along.

I guess I felt compelled to talk to him because he seemed like behind the evil runesword and black armor he might actually be a decent person. There are things I've been burning to know about them, but Dariahn gets defensive when I ask. I only want to know so I can understand what's happened to him better. If Dariahn doesn't want to change, if he doesn't see anything wrong with what's he's doing and thinks I'm just being "self-righteous", he's going to tell me he can't change. He's always been like that. I asked Steiner how deep it went, if it was something that a person could work their way away from. He said it changes them too much, that even though they regained their souls they were altered by it. Even their souls were altered. That darkness was ingrained in them.

I have to admit to feeling a little humbled by that. I don't know if even the Light is strong enough to heal something so invasive. Roshanar said not to underestimate the power of the Light - funny thing coming from a Tauren - but Dariahn has never been as faithful as me. I have to come to terms with the idea that this isn't just him being stubborn, that this is truly a part of him for reasons beyond his control. That I have to be supportive. It's like his last big revelation all over again.

Knowing all that, and taking a moment to talk to someone who seemed as just plain decent as him, at least assured me that the batch of Ebon Blade hooligans who showed up as we were closing weren't completely representative of what my little brother had become. Way to integrate yourselves into the Horde, guys. Good job.

((Meg's doofy little brother now has his own journal under dariahnwheeler! And it even has a post.))

So my brother, my little baby brother Dariahn, is some kind of crazy necromancer now.

I guess that's not entirely fair, because he's not one of these "death knights" I see running around the Hold with horrid shambling rotting things chasing after them all the time like puppies. I can't decide if it's better or worse than warlocks showing off their demons for all the world to see. Maybe it just bothers me so much because of what I used to be. Maybe that's why it bothers him too, because it clearly bothers him.

He's been wanting to see what's going on up here, so yesterday morning I met him at the Hold and escorted him out to Dragonblight, to the Horde camp at the Wrathgate. I really don't like him being up here so close to the Scourge. I don't want him to fall back to them, I don't want to lose him again, and I just worry that letting him be too close to Him is asking for trouble. I kept a close eye on him, but he seemed to be okay. He was a little distracted, but he's always a little distracted now. If he was hearing voices it wasn't any worse than usual. He even seemed maybe a little stronger, maybe because he's got such an affinity for the ice and cold now.

So he tromps out into the snow away from the camp, and I'm certain at any moment a dragon is going to fall on us because they're up there fighting, and he looks like he's looking for something in particular until he stops in a spot that looks like all the other snow-covered spots he wasn't satisfied with, except this one is apparently Right. And he pulls out his big horrible sword and holds it out over the snow, and his goggles dim a little for a moment and then they get brighter, and the runes on his sword start glowing even brighter and my hair starts standing on end and I kind of want to run, except he's my brother and whatever he's doing I have to make sure he doesn't get crushed by a dragon, so I watch as the blue glow spreads and seems to go into the snow in front of him and then it starts to slide away and there's a loud crack of ice and then there's this frostwyrm, hardly any bigger than Khadgar was when Meridith gave him to me to take care of a couple years ago, smaller than he was when we took them out to Shadowmoon to let them go. The thing was just a baby! And it just hovered there, shaking the ice off its skeletal wings. Then Dariahn grinned at it, this big grin like he was sooooooo proud, and he pointed at me and said to it, "Obey Meg. Be her friend."

He doesn't understand why I have a problem with this.

When Ty saw it he was terrified. He wanted to put the thing down. (Caeryn said I should get rid of it too, but she would.) But it doesn't seem to mind. I think it has less of a problem being a monster than I do. It's not Scourge whatever Caeryn said, it was Dariahn's and it listened to him. It seems to know basic commands. I just don't know what I'm gonna do with it. And I don't know how it's going to get along with my cat.

It seems like everybody's falling apart under the weight of what's coming, and I can't really blame them. Something's happened to Meridith's husband, I don't know what exactly but I know he's out of action and she's tied up taking care of him. Orloc is a complete mess. Something during the Scourge attacks did something to him. I don't know. He's always physically looked like he should fall apart at any moment, but he's always been really strong, like if he wasn't careful hugging me he could crush me through my armor. I don't think he's been physically hurt, but something's sapped his strength and I think Meridith is too busy taking care of her husband to help him as much as he needs it. And Light knows I don't know the first thing about what holds him together. Not to mention something seems to be going on between him and Locke that I don't even begin to understand. Lutherus is torn up over his woman leaving him, which he absolutely blames himself for even though he was just doing his duty when he left for a while. He's got an elf keeping him company, but his heart's not in it. I told him to stay in touch. I know just having friends isn't quite the same, but it's something, right? And I miss those guys. And then there's Ty, who I'm beginning to worry might not be willing to leave Silvermoon when the time comes, despite all his promises to the contrary. I've managed to coax him out to the Plaguelands to fight Scourge there, but he's so terrified of coming home to a ruined city again.

Speaking of. Despite everything that happened with the sword, I think it was ultimately for the best that I went to Kalimdor to get myself together. Being back in the Plaguelands fighting the Scourge brings too much back. We've been finding little personal effects here and there giving some hint at who these mindless creatures were in life, and there's a Keeper of the Rolls at Light';s Hope helping the Argent Dawn notify as many next-of-kin as they can. I found a letter on one that took me back to that night in Stratholme. I let the Keeper of the Rolls know about my brother, just in case someone brings him something, just so I can know. Poor guy probably gets that kind of thing from every fighter out here.

((And now...a story!))

It was a staring contest of the dead. On one side, the shade: Little more than a roughly man-shaped wisp of smoke with glowing eyes. If it was able to speak, it didn't deign to, communicating only by following and watching silently. On the other, the undead: The reanimated corpse of a young woman in the blessed plate armor of a paladin. She had introduced herself to the shade as Meganna Wheeler, gone on to inform him of an assortment of personal details, used him as a proxy for talking to herself for a bit, and then finally locked her glowing yellow eyes with his and settled into trying to speak his language of silence.

( Continued... )

Things have finally settled down a little. I never thought I'd be so happy for the work of the Royal Apothecary Society, but they actually came through with a cure. The Scourge are still attacking, but this new wave of the plague has been neutralized and people aren't getting infected anymore. There are a handful of weak Scourge outside Silvermoon, but they aren't a significant threat. The significant threats are forming elsewhere: The Eastern Plaguelands, probably rallying to take the Undercity and Silvermoon; the Burning Steppes, probably forming up to take Stormwind and Ironforge; Azshara and Winterspring, probably looking to move on to Orgrimmar and Darnassus respectively; Tanaris, most likely to move north into the Tauren lands. There have also been necropolises? necropoli reported in the Blasted Lands, which scares me the most, because they couldn't be doing anything down there but trying to get control of the Dark Portal. They couldn't do much worse to Outland than the Old Horde already did, but if the Scourge got control of a place like Auchindoun they could be unstoppable. There are so many angry dead in Outland.

With the random outbreaks stopped and the remaining battles going on elsewhere, Ratchet was super-quiet last night. I really just wanted to check in and make sure everyone was okay before reporting back to the Argent Dawn, but I guess most of them were still off fighting those other battles. That Forsaken priest Maro was there on the roof again, and with no zombies to patrol for I mostly ended up talking to him and a sin'dorei named Delyne who started off criticizing the Light and then ended up being really sweet like he felt bad for it. And that adorable new guy was serving again. The quiet was nice after so much fighting, and after going back to Silvermoon I actually managed to get a couple hours of sleep.

My friends have made it through this far. I just hope we can fend off whatever the Lich King has planned for his next assault.

I seem to be a ghost magnet lately. I don't know how much Locke counts, since I don't know if he's technically a ghost, but I've acquired this helmet that laughs insanely every so often - generally when I'm not expecting it, scaring the fuck out of me - and now there's this shade that follows me everywhere. It first showed up shortly after I found a letter from one of Arthas' soldiers whose conscience pushed him to go AWOL after they purged Stratholme on one of the Scourge zombies I was fighting. The romantic in me likes to think it's the owner of the letter, tied to me until I can absolve him in some way of what happened there, one ghost seeking penance attaching himself to another. It's probably just attached to this necklace I found on another zombie.

It's funny, I'll be here in Silvermoon fighting off Scourge with my paladin armor and my Lordaeron shield and feeling like this great warrior, all romanticizing the whole deal like I'm some great knight in the old war histories and then I'm hit by how silly I'm being. Like that entire last entry I wrote. Shield of the Righteous indeed.

Meridith had her little Hallow's End thing last night. Figures she'd be cracked enough to hold a social during all this. I snuck in after, when she and more importantly her stupid evil husband had already left but there were still a few people milling around. I just wanted to make sure everything was safe, and I guess I wanted to pay my own respects too. Sara was still around, and Grub was off somewhere yelling and sounding cranky, but when I tried to go find him to be cranky with him his..."significant other", I guess, shouted back and I decided that was something I absolutely didn't want to stumble in on. So I went and hung out by the Wickerman for a while and tried in vain to communicate with my new shadow before finally heading back here to make sure Silvermoon and Ty were still okay.

Every day we survive feels like an accomplishment.

I've been checking in with the Argent Dawn during all this, and somehow I was completely caught off-guard this morning when they handed me a set of paladin-style armor and sent me back out into the field. It took me a minute to accept that it wasn't a mistake, that it really was meant for me. I've never been prouder to see my own reflection. Even if I can't call on the Light myself I can fight for it, and this armor will show the world the dedication in my heart while the power it's imbued with shows the Scourge my resolve.

It's going to take some practice to get used to fighting in this plate skirt, though.

Guarding the Manaheart house tonight. Ty is terrified that Silvermoon is going to fall again, but I finally coaxed him into coming back here and trying to sleep. I don't know if he's actually sleeping now, but he was exhausted from fighting and healing all through last night and today. I'd rather be up there watching him, but it's easier for me to watch things from down here, where I can stick my head out the door every so often. I hope it helps to know that I'm at least down here pacing, even if I'm not by his side. I'd like to think it makes a difference to him. Anyway, his sister is here, too. She was taking a break herself from helping reinforce the wards around the city, and knowing I'm here to keep watch she went to get some sleep too. I'm still not sure what she thinks of me, even if she doesn't know I'm engaging in unholy acts with her brother, but she seems to trust me enough for this. I guess that's something. Even Caeryn seems to have suddenly warmed to the idea that when not left to simmer in my own angst I can be a pretty damn useful soldier. I'm content just to know that I'm trusted enough to be effective.

Screaming outside. Better go check.

Holy fuck there's zombies.

Yeah, sorry, hi journal, apparently now it takes the Plague to get me to write. Everything was happy-fun yesterday morning, apparently the Shattered Sun found a group to go in and deal with whatever horrible thing was unleashed on the Sunwell Plateau who didn't come out in caskets and apparently the draenei's leader turned the thing back on or something and...I guess they don't have to draw mana from other sources anymore? I didn't want to be rude and pester anybody about it. I'm sure I can bother Ty to explain the implications later. For now I have my hands full. OF ZOMBIES.

Sometime yesterday someone delivered some crates to Booty Bay that had plagued grain in them, just like the stuff that came from Andorhal. It didn't take long for people who had been exposed to it to get to Ratchet. It's only a few cases so far, but I spent most of the evening and overnight running around the Barrens trying to stop the ones I could who had turned. Fuck Caeryn, the Kodo is going to need more protection than ever until this is stopped. I'll be there tonight with armor and shield.

This has to be Arthas. Maybe he's caught on to us sending people up there, maybe he's decided we really are a threat and he wants to keep us distracted at home. I don't know. I just know I can't fail again.

Stupid stupid

I hate that

I don't know where Caeryn gets this idea that I think I'm Magical Princess of the Undercity or Silvermoon or whatever. I don't think I'm special, I think I'm exactly as much of a horrible abomination against the Light as any Forsaken, I just don't choose to exercise my free will in exactly the way she thinks I should and apparently that's some terrible crime. Isn't the point that we aren't mindless slaves anymore? It's not like I go around telling everyone how our Queen is horrible and planning to do terrible things. I don't think that. I have immense respect for her, I just- I help in my own way. I do my own duty. I was performing an important diplomatic duty in Silvermoon City. I'm out here now so that when the time comes my sword and my shield will be strong. I'll be on the front lines in Northrend, for everyone who lost home and family to Him. I'm just not going to sit around commending some ghoul going on about how we only have living allies in case we need food. Just because I don't revel in being a monster like some stupid idiot warlocks I know doesn't mean I'm "special". It just means I'm not evil.

I should get in touch with Meridith again. She at least kind of understood, even if she married that...I think I'm out of epithets.

((And a letter, sent later...))

Meridith,

I still haven't really thanked you for explaining what happened with Locke and the sword. I know you're probably really busy with Hallow's End and the Apothecary stuff and all (if you're even still in Lordaeron and not up in Northrend with the advance forces), and I'm sure your husband probably still wants my head on a pike, but I'd like to just get together and talk sometime. Let me know if you can spare the time.

-Meg

I don't know why I can't just be a normal Forsaken soldier. I don't know why all this pain and loss broke me this way and not the way all the rest of them are broken. Sometimes I wish I could be the perfect cold, detached Deathguard I should be. I wish I could focus enough to be in the Undercity or Light save me in Northrend drowning my pain in doing my people's work instead of here drowning it in ogre ale. I wish I could be like Meridith, or like Caeryn, or like any Forsaken who's not a miserable useless wreck. I was so crushed to learn the knight in the sword wasn't real because I really wanted to be the dark knight he encouraged me to be, the perfect vengeful Forsaken warrior. Can I still do that knowing it was just Locke toying with me? Or am I really just a useless failure?